Holiday Shopping

Yellow Mama 2015

Call me a sentimental fool, but if you know what’s good for you, you won’t leave out the word ‘sentimental’.

I talk tougher than I am. Some people believe I’m connected, made my bones and all the rest that goes along with it but truth be told I’m only a hustler and one without a conscience. I’ll watch an ATM until an old lady or a really old man makes a withdrawal and sees where they stash the money and follow and take it sounding all Brooklyn when I demand it and show my shiv. Old people are more afraid of a knife than a gun. It’s the pain thing because everyone’s been cut with a knife and few geezers carry a bullet hole. 

I’m out today getting money for a V day present for Roxie. She thinks I’m out selling insurance and in a way that’s what I do. I’ve clipped two purses and lifted a box of chocolate cover cherries—her favorite.

I saw a gold heart on a chain in Wal-Mart that would be perfect. It’s very stylish with the heart being thin and long pointing down to cleavage and Roxie is nothing if not proud of her cleavage. I need one more score to get the $75 to buy this. I asked the saleslady to hold it for a couple of hours. “I’ll let my replacement know about this and you.”

I head over to my “go to” joint for easy money, the super market. Ladies push their carts around with their pocketbooks in the baby carrier open so they can get at their coupons. They’re always turning their back and the best spot is the deli section when their trying to get the ham sliced thin enough to read through and taking a taste of everything they order. A free lunch they think but I show them there’s no such thing.

I got two wallets in a matter of minutes and headed back to WalMart. A different saleswoman was there and asked if she could help.

She kept staring at me and smiling. “Oh the heart,” she said. “It’s so lovely that two other people asked for it so I put it in the back room for safe keeping.” She patted my hand that was on the counter and told me she’d be right back.

She was back in five minutes which I guess to an old fossil like her was right back and she offered to wrap it and I said “sure” and I paid with my wad of bills and before she had finished wrapping I had my arms twisted behind my back and handcuffs slapped on.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” she said. “We met earlier this morning outside the bank where you stole my money I was going to buy my granddaughter a Valentines present with. I’m sure she’ll love this heart,” she said as the detectives led me away.