Instructions for Assembling the Enclosed

Brilliant Flash Fiction 2023

Instructions for Assembling the Enclosed
By Paul Beckman

First, you count the pieces. There should be 116, so if there is not, count again. Count a third time for accuracy and if all three counts are different email us at assemblyinstructions.com and explain the problem, tell how many times you counted and ask for a return label and a new box of Enclosed for Assembly with Instructions.

We will next send you an email direction for you to throw out the bad Instructions for Assembling the Enclosed and we will overnight a new Enclosed with Instructions for Assembly. This time there will be 121 pieces and you should follow step #1. Again, count three times for accuracy and if there are fewer than 121 pieces send us an email swearing that you know how to count and have graduated from high school.

Upon receiving your email telling us how many pieces are missing we will overnight you the missing pieces in the form of 3 pieces of balsa wood, two cutting and one shaping knife, and a 64 box of Crayola Crayons to match the blanks with the assembled.

If this is not to be a satisfactory solution send everything back and we will refund your money minus a 20% restocking charge and a 10% charge for checking your count. The returned money will arrive within 90 days unless we find that your counting was mistaken and or the Crayola Crayons are damaged in any way. Should that be the case we will add an additional charge of 25% for recounting and restocking and send you a gift certificate for the balance that must be used within 30 days of receipt on any of our fine products.

Enclosed for your rating of your Instructions for Assembling the Enclosed is a three-part form. You will notice that there are only 5 stars on each of the forms: one for the product Instructions for Assembling the Enclosed, one for the reliability of returning a defective product, and one for ease of assembling the product using Instructions for Assembling the Enclosed.

We thank you for filling out the form and to show our appreciation we are enclosing a 5% gift certificate for any of our other fine products. (This enclosed 5% gift certificate may not be combined with any other of our generous allowances).