Ms. Tooth Fairy
Muse Apprentice Guild (M.A.G.) 2002
May 8, 2012
"William,” Doctor Levin said as he entered the exam room holding a clip of x-rays up to the light, "the tooth has to go. It's impacted and even if it is not hurting at this moment you just wait 'til you're on vacation, or in the saddle somewhere and you can damn sure bet it's going to cause you an ache not to forget. Chloe! Get me a number four, two number twos, a grundy and my walkman with some Manilow or Damone. Get the gas ready and put some of that lullaby Muzak in a walkman for William. William! You're one lucky mailman. I had a cancellation and you won't have to wait weeks thinking about this. A couple of cuts and a yank, some gauze, a few pills, a hot or cold pack or two and in no time you'll be the William of old."
William had been lying in his postal grays, tilted backwards, waiting for Chloe, the hygienist with the spearmint smelling breath, to clean his teeth. Just a cleaning and a yearly checkup. That's why he was here. What was Doctor Levin saying? William was slow in absorbing and responding to all the goings-on around him.
William liked when Doctor Levin called him a mailman. He liked when anyone did— and Doctor Levin always did. The fact of the matter was that William had tried time after time to pass the letter carrier test but kept coming up short. He was actually the post office custodian and had been for ten years. It was the uniform he was allowed to wear that made him feel so special — so much like a mailman. Doctor Levin always gave William his outgoing mail after every visit.
William lay there in the chair and never opened his eyes from the moment he sat down
until the bright light was clicked off. Well. Almost never. Once in a while he would sneak a glance at Chloe and her long blond hair.
William's eyes opened as the nurse jarred his head while fitting a gas mask over his nose. "Doctor Levin, what about the cleaning?" asked William, not realizing that Doctor Levin was nodding to the sounds of the walkman and not to him.
"Chloe, we'd better use double suction. It's kind of deep. Get those new maxi-gauze pads. Don’tcha just love this Manilow?" Doctor Levin asked loudly to no one in particular.
"Doctor,” William sat up, pulling off his gas mask. "Doctor Levin, I haven't lost a tooth since I was a kid. I'm forty-two. I don't know if I'm ready for this." William had never spoken out to Doctor Levin before and he was a bit nervous. In fact, William was very meek and rarely spoke out to anyone. Fear over-rode meek.
Doctor Levin took off his headphones and looked at William. "Why'd you take the gas mask off? You want to try this without gas? OK William, but I don't recommend it. You're one brave mailman, albeit a foolish one. Chloe, take this Manilow and get me Turk Murphy's Frisco Jazz Band. William, what kind of music do you want to hear? We've got it all. Sweeney Todd, Slaughter on Tenth Avenue. How about the theme from Marathon Man? Heh. Heh."
"Doctor Levin, please don't wear a walkman while you're working in my mouth. I'd feel so much more comfortable if I knew you could hear my cry for help. Any music that you want to hear is fine on your office stereo but please, no headsets for either one of us."
William was shaken and sweat stains were penetrating his uniform. "I haven't lost a tooth since childhood,” William repeated. "This is all coming so fast. I'm nervous and a little afraid and don't understand your language with your nurse or ... oh...it's all happening so fast."
"All right, William. You're reaction is typical. There's been a lot of Manilow-bashing of late. Let's get this mask back on and you take a few deep breaths and you'll soon feel relaxed. OK? Re-lax William. Re-lax. That's it. . . nice and slow. Close your eyes and re-lax. We won't start until you're ready."
Chloe leaned over William and wiped the perspiration from his forehead and William actually began to relax a little. He breathed in the spearmint smell of Chloe along with a good dose of nitrous oxide.
William could hear the voice of Doctor Levin. It seemed distant and gentle. "I'll just sit here and wait with you, William. Think about the Tooth Fairy coming tonight. BREATH DEEPLY, William. BREATH DEEPLY. In and out. In and out. Just close your eyes and think about the Tooth Fairy. She just loves impacted wisdom teeth. Doesn't she Chloe?"
Chloe smiled and blushed.
"Doc..tor Lev..in. I live a..lone." The nitrous oxide was starting to take effect. "I'm too old... there is no Tooth Fairy... there is no one to come at night while I sleep and leave a doll-ar under my pil-low and slip my tooth out. My moth- er was the Tooth Fairy and she died a long time a-go."
"Will-yam. Will-yam. Will-yam. DEEP BREATHS. DEEP BREATHS. The Tooth Fairy for us grownups is a different Tooth Fairy. This is the NINETIES! This is Ms. Tooth Fairy. DEEP BREATHS William. THAT'S GOOD. Ms. Tooth Fairy doesn't flit around with loose change in her robes and take your tooth. No way, William. She comes to make you feel better. Much better. DEEP BREATHS. She will fulfill your wildest sexual fantasy, William. Now — that's a Tooth Fairy! BREATHE DEEPLY. None of this two-bits for a molar crap. KEEP BREATHING WILLIAM. KEEP BREATHING. What ever you want from the Tooth Fairy is what you get. You want twin Tooth Fairies, you got 'em. Bondage Tooth Fairies WILLIAM? Just ask. BREATHE DEEPLY WILL-IAM. EXHALE WILL-IAM! EXHALE! My personal favorite has always been cheerleader Tooth Fairies. Love them pom-poms. What's yours, William? What's your favorite?"
"William. How about a hooker Tooth Fairy?"
"Chloe. Put me a little Leon Redbone in my walkman and let's get started."
"William. You did just fine. Lie here a while until your head clears and then we'll have Chloe drive you home and we'll drop your car off later. This is a full-service dental office. Just follow my instructions and you'll be fine."
William, still in a daze, struggled to listen.
"Keep that gauze over that crater and just change it when it gets saturated. Take three aspirins every four hours, rinse with warm water every twenty minutes, and use an ice pack for fifteen minutes every hour and a hot water bottle when you go to sleep. If the pain gets too rough to sleep take a couple of these red babies. Call me in the morning and let me know how you're doing. Don't whistle, ski, or eat tacos and no wild sex for forty-eight hours."
William bobbed his head and blinked as Doctor Levin continued.
"I left your tooth wrapped with the red pills and instructions in your jacket pocket." Doctor Levin winked as Chloe led William towards the door.
William barely remembered entering his apartment, putting on his pj’s and going to bed. He did feel a bit foolish, even though groggy, putting his gauze-wrapped tooth under his pillow. He did remember to take his red pills when the pain woke him, and he recalled the rosy glow of sleep returning.
He also remembered wakening with a start to the sound of his Mother's Irish brogue. "William, me-boy, this one's worth two dollars." He lay perfectly still — listening. Then, with the feel of someone else in his bed, he opened his eyes wide, and the most beautiful woman in the world, with the sweetest smelling spearmint breath, was kneeling over him suggestively licking her lips.
"Who are you?" asked William knowing the answer.
"You know who I am. Don't you?" answered the beautiful woman with the sparkling white teeth. She wore a see-through nightgown and a word that William had only read flitted through his mind. Diaphanous, thought William, closing his eyes.
"DiaphanousDiaphanousDiaphanous," giggled William aloud.
"Diaphanous?" Repeated the beautiful woman.
"Diaphanous," said William, feeling elated and opening his eyes wide. He never in his life ever expected to say the word aloud. William never even fantasized about women as beautiful as this and William fantasized a lot. Fantasy was William's social life. But what was she doing here and did he really hear his Mother's voice? William saw her blond hair cascading over her shoulders, just touching her very full breasts, and he reached up for Ms. Tooth Fairy.
"Lie back, William. You've had a tough day. I'm here because you put your tooth under your pillow and it is my job to take it back to Tooth Fairy Land and give you something in return."
William squeezed his eyes shut.
Ms. Tooth Fairy slipped out of her diaphanous gown and with her gleaming white teeth pulled the cord on William's pj’s. She gently peeled them off and kissed William with her lips and eyelids all over his body.
When it became time for her to leave, Ms. Tooth Fairy told William he was wonderful and she hoped to be with him again real soon. "Thank you," said Tooth Fairy, "thank you, William, thank you."
"Diaphanous," murmured William, who woke late in the morning naked, happy and holding the empty gauze pad tightly in his hand. He had experienced the unexplainable and remembered Ms. Tooth Fairy's scent and vaguely remembered a visit from his Mother.
Six months later, William was lying in Chloe's chair, tilted back getting his teeth cleaned, smelling that spearmint breath, and thinking diaphanous thoughts. He opened his eyes just as she finished his cleaning. "You're looking good, William," Chloe smiled.
Doctor Levin walked in to inspect the cleaning, "William, how's my favorite mailman doing today?"
Chloe stood behind Doctor Levin and they both waited for his response.
William, in a state of arousal, knew what he wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come, so he opened his mouth and pointed to a tooth.