Next Time We’ll Take Public Transportation

Ulster Review Ireland 2019

We landed ten minutes early at New Haven Airport. Our only luggage was carry on so we hustled over to the car rentals and Hertz told me our car wasn’t back yet and it might be an hour or so. Cancel it,  I said and went to Budget and they had either a two-seater rag top or an SUV, both at the same price.

We took the luxury SUV keys and went about the lot looking for it and it was a brand new Lexus, washed and ready to go. I opened the back door to put my carry-on in and there was a grandmotherly-type woman sitting there knitting.

Excuse me, I said. You’re sitting in our car.

That’s okay with me. I’m no trouble and you won’t have to make any special stops for me. I’ve got a strong bladder.

That’s not the issue. We paid for this car and we don’t want to share it with a stranger.

I’m Althea, she said. Now if you both tell me your names and something about yourselves we won’t be strangers anymore.

Did you get granny dumped by someone?

I don’t know what that is but my son-in-law took me out this morning, bought me breakfast at Denny’s, and then brought me to the airport and told me to find an unlocked car and sit in the back and not to bother anyone.

Well you can’t stay her. Please leave.

I can’t do that.

The wife gets in the car and sees the old woman, “Did you have to pay extra for granny here?”

I walked back to Budget and told them about Granny and that I wanted another car.

We’re all out of cars and Granny won’t bother you. She carries her own snacks and has a strong bladder.

That’s not the point, I said. If I can find another car from a different company I’ll return the keys and want my credit card info back.

So your mom and I left the airport in the Lexus and were heading for our hotel.

I need to stop, Granny said.

“What about your strong bladder I asked her.

I have to go number 2 she said.

We pulled into a gas station and I got out and asked for the keys to the bathroom. You have to purchase something the attendant said so I bought a large bag of chips and two cans of soda. I took the key that was attached to a small anvil and walked back to the Lexus and told Granny to hurry up we had places to go.

She snatched the key and opened the car door and kind of ran towards the bathroom. I started the car, grabbed her knitting and drove over and tossed her bag in front of the bathroom door. I went to drive off and she was standing in front of the car so I went to back up but there was a car behind me.

Granny tucked her knitting under the front wheel and went into the bathroom. I got out and tried to pry it loose but by the time I did she was back and sitting in the car. We drove off heading for our hotel and decided to stop at Pepe’s Pizza for lunch. Just as the pizza came two cops walked in and asked if we were driving the Lexus and I said yes.

The lady in the car said you kidnapped her from the airport.

I explained the situation and invited the cops to sit and join us for pizza. They did and one took the hot pepper flakes shaker and coated the top and the other did the same with the parmesan cheese.

When we got outside I asked the cops to take control of Granny but they said I had to bring her back to the airport. We drove back to the airport, parked the car in the Budget lot, gave them back their keys and called an Uber.

It was near the airport and we should wait out front I was told. Ten minutes later the Lexus pulls up with an Uber placard in the window and Granny’s driving. She pretends she doesn’t know us and I have a panic attack as she opens the trunk so we can put our bags in..