OPEN HOUSE

(originally published in NEXT PHASE)

     It was the third Thursday of the month--our Thursday. Please put Eve on the phone I said to the person who answered my call. When Eve came on, I said, New Haven, and then I gave her the street and house number. Pretty fancy, Eve said and I told her that she was worth pretty fancy and I hung up.

     A few minutes after noon Eve saw my real estate sign in front of the house and my car in the driveway and she drove into the open garage and then closed the garage door. She walked to the front door, rang the bell once, and then walked in, locking the door behind her. I heard the door slam and from an upstairs guest bedroom I called out who's there? Eve bounced up the stairs and yelled back that she was the plumber that I had called and she was there to clean my pipes. An hour later we were dressed and smoothing over the bed when Eve told me she thought she heard a car in the driveway. I hurried downstairs after I saw that it was another salesman's car, and when the door opened with Betsy and Al J. from my office they saw Eve and me each holding an end of a tape measure in the living room.

     Hi guys I said--do you have an appointment to show the house? They told me they did and I introduced Eve to them as Alberta and told them that she was trying to fit her antique furniture in the house but it didn't look good. We'd better leave before your buyer gets here I told them and we did and barely had enough room to get Eve's car out of the garage and past Al J's. Who were they kidding--they had no customer--they were there for a nooner. And in my listing. Talk about nerve. I would straighten this out later, I thought, as I watched Eve turn the corner and head back to work. I drove down to the beach and did me a cat-nap for thirty and then went back to my office. An hour later Al J. and Betsy came in looking a little too put together and Al J. came over to my desk after a bit and said that he was sorry but all his listings were occupied and he should have checked with me first. Good idea I told him.

    

     It was the fourth Wednesday of the month--our Wednesday. Laura had called first thing in the morning and left a message saying that the house on Opening Hill Road in Madison was not available until two. I let myself in with the lock box key and was waiting in the hot tub when Laura showed up fifteen minutes late. As she undressed to join me she explained that her last appointment had taken longer than she anticipated and she really was sorry but I understood the business and I told her that as long as I understood the business I would give her the business and I did and she did and we did and it was a wonderful fourth Wednesday of the month and afterwards I drove down to the beach and smoked a bone and then went out on two listing appointments and got both listings and all was right with the world. Laura was a freelance appraiser and always knew of an available neighborhood motel. She was also Al J's wife.

     If it wasn't for palm pilots I would have been a dead man long ago. But being the organized individual that I am and cautious too, I have lived multiple lives while still being married to the most wonderful and understanding woman in the world. If she or anyone else were to read my daytimer they would have to decode it and the likelihood of that is remote.

     Elaine, or E as my wife is called, is not only a great companion but she can cook like nobody's business, help the kids with their homework and likes keeping the house neat and clean. Besides that she's a terrific lover, well read, is in tip-top shape and has a tenured job teaching second grade. She also plays the triangle in the local symphony, sings in the church choir, used to be a den mother, and hosts the family for Easter and Thanksgiving dinners every year without complaint. She thinks and says the best about everyone and refuses to engage in gossip. She writes poetry, makes her own clothes, and plants a large garden every year. E never forgets a birthday, anniversary or any Hallmark event and is grateful for any gift she gets for any occasion.

     If any of you think it's easy living with this saint without fucking around then you don't have an inkling about human nature. Perfect. She's too perfect. Even her button nose--that God-given button nose is perfect. And you wonder about my need for variety. Our frequent love-making isn't enough for me, even though it's never the same old same old. I've always been a Tom cat.

     With Elaine my wish is my command. My every need anticipated. Needs I don't know about yet are anticipated. I never am without clean shirts or socks. She doesn't use my razor. She watches sports with me and stays in the bedroom when the guys come over for poker. I don't ask for any of this. Since fifth grade E has treated me like this.

    

     It was midyear when I moved to town and was escorted to my new class by the principal, who introduced me by putting her arm around my shoulder and resting her massive left boob on top of my head. It was actually an inch or two above but to everyone in the class it looked to be resting on me and to me I thought that an eclipse was occurring. Everyone but E laughed and then the teacher assigned me to the seat next to hers and we've been together ever since.

     We'll grow old together--my hair gray--hers blue--the grand-children will visit and we'll move to a warmer climate for six months a year--she'll take up the piano, learn Sanskrit, arc welding, and auto mechanics. I'll patrol for nooky. I want to scream just thinking about it but it's the second Tuesday of the month and I have to hustle over to Guilford to an old mill that I have listed. I left a note stating what time I'd be there. It will be a quicky because Second Tuesday has only an hour off for lunch and it's a ten-minute drive each way.

     When she gets to the mill she parks her Taurus wagon in clear view next to my car and enters the front door of the mill and doesn't bother to lock the door. The erotic thrill of chance she calls it. She wanders around and climbs the stairs to the office and then spots the desk lamp on and enters without knocking. I'm sitting at the desk with my back to the door wearing only my watch and socks and I can hear her clothes hit the floor one article at a time. Finally she spins the chair around, bends over and kisses me passionately and then offers her breasts to my greedy mouth as I grab her ass. Holding her, we move to the floor where I slide easily into her and we continue to kiss and nibble without ever saying a word. We come together and she leaves a long scratch across my back that I won't feel until later. For several minutes we lie entwined as one, spent and satiated. Finally, E stands and puts on her clothes, fresh lipstick, checks the time, and blows me a kiss as she bounds down the stairs.